Healing

I had a few realizations yesterday. I had found a beautiful quote from Elder Jeffrey R Holland some months past and I typed it into the Kindle so that I could have it with me. I saw it while I was in Relief Society yesterday and decided to read it.

"The past is to be learned from but not lived in. We look back to claim the embers from glowing experiences but not ashes. And when we have learned what we need to learn and have brought with us the best that we have experienced, then we look ahead and remember that faith is always pointed toward the future." ("The Best is Yet to Be," Ensign, Jan. 2010, 24.)

It was in that moment, as I felt the spirit of that message, that I realized that it had been a long time since I had reflected on memories that used to plague me. Embarrassing situations that I used to remember in moments of self-doubt that seemed to confirm my stupidity and unworthiness of love. It was a good moment.

Later on, I was reflecting on a conversation that Ashton and I had a few days ago. Most conversations with Ashton leave me scared and paranoid that I had said something wrong, that he'd be angry with me, and all kinds of irrational thoughts that really had no foundation to stand on in most circumstances. As I was reflecting, I realized that I hadn't argued with myself about whether he was mad or not. That brought about the biggest realization: I am healing.

Many of you do not know that I was sexually abused as a child by someone in my immediate family. It's not something I talk about often or with very many people. With that abuse, and many other problems, has come a lot of trials. The most ongoing has been doubting myself and my worth. Voices in my head have competed for attention. Some shouting that I am broken and faulty. Not worth fixing and certainly not worth loving.

Some voices tried to encourage me that I was ok. That I didn't mean to make whatever mistake it was that I had made and that I could do better, but ultimately that I was alright. Not perfect, but trying was the important part. Unfortunately, those voices got drowned out a lot. Most of the time, I could barely hear them. It's only been in the past couple of years that those voices have gained any real traction. If I'm being honest, it's probably only been in the past year that I've truly put my energy into separating the truth from the lies and paying attention to what I was feeding myself with my thoughts.

I'm not perfect. I make mistakes. I do a lot of things wrong. I say insensitive things sometimes. I'm not a perfect mom, I'm not a perfect wife. I'm not a perfect daughter, sister, aunt, cousin, or anything else. I always knew that I wasn't, but now I have such a strong faith in the Atonement of Jesus Christ and His love for me that I know that I'm not beyond hope. I have an easier time letting go of my fear and doubt, and asking what I need to do. Then I try to trust in my ability to feel the promptings of the Spirit and act on those feelings.

I have been blessed to see, and believe, that everyone struggles in one way or another and that makes us equal. Pain is pain no matter what form it comes in. How we deal with the pain matters, but we all have pain. These truths have slowly bought me peace in my head. So slow, that I didn't realize that it had happened until yesterday. There are still moments of doubt, but they are small moments instead of continuous. I still have a long way to go, healing is a slow slow process, but I have been blessed to have a break in the trees, and be able to look back and see just how far I have come.

When I told Ashton, he asked what I was going to do with this new leaf I've turned over. I can't say I know. There are really only two things to do with it: enjoy it and keep healing.