When I wrote my last post, I was in awe as to the number of kind responses I received. It's hard to tell people about something personal that happened to you and even harder to tell it on a mass stage. It was relieving to have my message go over so well, at least to those who were vocal about their reaction.
I thought over a lot as to what I wanted to write about next, if anything. While I love my kids and a lot of things that they do (let's be honest, I'm not so excited about the need to cry over who sits in what seat and even less impressed by the need to pull and/or push the offending person who dared to sit in the wrong seat out of said chair), I'm just not so excited to blog about it all. I love telling it in person so if you want updates of that kind, email me!
So that left scary things like my opinions and thoughts. Scary because that leaves me wide open to criticism, which is only natural since not everyone is going to agree with me. I get that, know that, and expect that. By no means does that mean I'm anxious and eager to have people yell at me, and say mean and degrading things to me. I'm used to harsh words. The world I grew up in revolved around people assuming that if you disagreed, you were judging, and the way around that was to shut down the conversation in the quickest means possible, which meant nasty or condescending words. Internet conversations tend to be the same. I have met few people who are willing to disagree without any loss of friendship or respect.
The other part of my dilemma is what those thoughts would be centered around. Here was a trickier problem. I could just write about whatever popped up in my head, but that would most likely result in a blank screen and no posts.
After a lot of thinking, I've decided to start a new blog. The new blog will be about my journey of healing from the abuse that I've suffered. I am not an expert on it. I couldn't even tell you where I am in my journey. Probably somewhere in the murky middle. What I do know is that abuse, particularly sexual abuse, isn't talked about enough. We don't talk about how to prevent it, how to deal with it when it does happen, and how to move forward toward full healing. These conversations particularly didn't happen in a way that was helpful to me as a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. I've read self-help books and found some things that helped, but there was a lot of things that went against what I believed. My goal is to help people, but at the very least, get a conversation going.
I will probably get rid of this blog in the next few weeks. I haven't completely made up my mind about that, but don't be surprised if it's just gone one day.
When I get the new blog up and running, I'll post a link.
Wednesday, July 30, 2014
Monday, July 14, 2014
Healing
I had a few realizations yesterday. I had found a beautiful quote from Elder Jeffrey R Holland some months past and I typed it into the Kindle so that I could have it with me. I saw it while I was in Relief Society yesterday and decided to read it.
"The past is to be learned from but not lived in. We look back to claim the embers from glowing experiences but not ashes. And when we have learned what we need to learn and have brought with us the best that we have experienced, then we look ahead and remember that faith is always pointed toward the future." ("The Best is Yet to Be," Ensign, Jan. 2010, 24.)
It was in that moment, as I felt the spirit of that message, that I realized that it had been a long time since I had reflected on memories that used to plague me. Embarrassing situations that I used to remember in moments of self-doubt that seemed to confirm my stupidity and unworthiness of love. It was a good moment.
Later on, I was reflecting on a conversation that Ashton and I had a few days ago. Most conversations with Ashton leave me scared and paranoid that I had said something wrong, that he'd be angry with me, and all kinds of irrational thoughts that really had no foundation to stand on in most circumstances. As I was reflecting, I realized that I hadn't argued with myself about whether he was mad or not. That brought about the biggest realization: I am healing.
Many of you do not know that I was sexually abused as a child by someone in my immediate family. It's not something I talk about often or with very many people. With that abuse, and many other problems, has come a lot of trials. The most ongoing has been doubting myself and my worth. Voices in my head have competed for attention. Some shouting that I am broken and faulty. Not worth fixing and certainly not worth loving.
Some voices tried to encourage me that I was ok. That I didn't mean to make whatever mistake it was that I had made and that I could do better, but ultimately that I was alright. Not perfect, but trying was the important part. Unfortunately, those voices got drowned out a lot. Most of the time, I could barely hear them. It's only been in the past couple of years that those voices have gained any real traction. If I'm being honest, it's probably only been in the past year that I've truly put my energy into separating the truth from the lies and paying attention to what I was feeding myself with my thoughts.
I'm not perfect. I make mistakes. I do a lot of things wrong. I say insensitive things sometimes. I'm not a perfect mom, I'm not a perfect wife. I'm not a perfect daughter, sister, aunt, cousin, or anything else. I always knew that I wasn't, but now I have such a strong faith in the Atonement of Jesus Christ and His love for me that I know that I'm not beyond hope. I have an easier time letting go of my fear and doubt, and asking what I need to do. Then I try to trust in my ability to feel the promptings of the Spirit and act on those feelings.
I have been blessed to see, and believe, that everyone struggles in one way or another and that makes us equal. Pain is pain no matter what form it comes in. How we deal with the pain matters, but we all have pain. These truths have slowly bought me peace in my head. So slow, that I didn't realize that it had happened until yesterday. There are still moments of doubt, but they are small moments instead of continuous. I still have a long way to go, healing is a slow slow process, but I have been blessed to have a break in the trees, and be able to look back and see just how far I have come.
When I told Ashton, he asked what I was going to do with this new leaf I've turned over. I can't say I know. There are really only two things to do with it: enjoy it and keep healing.
"The past is to be learned from but not lived in. We look back to claim the embers from glowing experiences but not ashes. And when we have learned what we need to learn and have brought with us the best that we have experienced, then we look ahead and remember that faith is always pointed toward the future." ("The Best is Yet to Be," Ensign, Jan. 2010, 24.)
It was in that moment, as I felt the spirit of that message, that I realized that it had been a long time since I had reflected on memories that used to plague me. Embarrassing situations that I used to remember in moments of self-doubt that seemed to confirm my stupidity and unworthiness of love. It was a good moment.
Later on, I was reflecting on a conversation that Ashton and I had a few days ago. Most conversations with Ashton leave me scared and paranoid that I had said something wrong, that he'd be angry with me, and all kinds of irrational thoughts that really had no foundation to stand on in most circumstances. As I was reflecting, I realized that I hadn't argued with myself about whether he was mad or not. That brought about the biggest realization: I am healing.
Many of you do not know that I was sexually abused as a child by someone in my immediate family. It's not something I talk about often or with very many people. With that abuse, and many other problems, has come a lot of trials. The most ongoing has been doubting myself and my worth. Voices in my head have competed for attention. Some shouting that I am broken and faulty. Not worth fixing and certainly not worth loving.
Some voices tried to encourage me that I was ok. That I didn't mean to make whatever mistake it was that I had made and that I could do better, but ultimately that I was alright. Not perfect, but trying was the important part. Unfortunately, those voices got drowned out a lot. Most of the time, I could barely hear them. It's only been in the past couple of years that those voices have gained any real traction. If I'm being honest, it's probably only been in the past year that I've truly put my energy into separating the truth from the lies and paying attention to what I was feeding myself with my thoughts.
I'm not perfect. I make mistakes. I do a lot of things wrong. I say insensitive things sometimes. I'm not a perfect mom, I'm not a perfect wife. I'm not a perfect daughter, sister, aunt, cousin, or anything else. I always knew that I wasn't, but now I have such a strong faith in the Atonement of Jesus Christ and His love for me that I know that I'm not beyond hope. I have an easier time letting go of my fear and doubt, and asking what I need to do. Then I try to trust in my ability to feel the promptings of the Spirit and act on those feelings.
I have been blessed to see, and believe, that everyone struggles in one way or another and that makes us equal. Pain is pain no matter what form it comes in. How we deal with the pain matters, but we all have pain. These truths have slowly bought me peace in my head. So slow, that I didn't realize that it had happened until yesterday. There are still moments of doubt, but they are small moments instead of continuous. I still have a long way to go, healing is a slow slow process, but I have been blessed to have a break in the trees, and be able to look back and see just how far I have come.
When I told Ashton, he asked what I was going to do with this new leaf I've turned over. I can't say I know. There are really only two things to do with it: enjoy it and keep healing.
Tuesday, May 21, 2013
Early Anniversary
Next week is our wedding anniversary. 6 whole whopping years. 6 years, 5 houses, 3 cars, 2 kids, 2 diplomas, 2 states, and 1 dog (I'll let you know if I think of 4 of anything).
Ashton hates it when I talk about him in any circumstance. "Just stop describing me." (OH OH! 4 jobs! Phew.) He's so cute when he gets embarrassed, but in the hopes that he won't embarrass me too badly in the future, I'll keep try not to embarrass him too badly. We've been through a lot in 6 years. I was reading a quote that I've shared before by Melody Beattie. It sits in our room where I can see it daily. It hit me extra hard today.
"Gratitude unlocks the fullness of life. It turns what we have into enough, and more. It turns denial into acceptance, chaos into order, confusion into clarity. It turns problems into gifts, failures into success, the unexpected into perfect timing, and mistakes into important events. Gratitude makes sense of our past, brings peace for today and creates a vision for tomorrow."
So, here's to 6 years of marriage and to an eternity more.
Ashton hates it when I talk about him in any circumstance. "Just stop describing me." (OH OH! 4 jobs! Phew.) He's so cute when he gets embarrassed, but in the hopes that he won't embarrass me too badly in the future, I'll keep try not to embarrass him too badly. We've been through a lot in 6 years. I was reading a quote that I've shared before by Melody Beattie. It sits in our room where I can see it daily. It hit me extra hard today.
"Gratitude unlocks the fullness of life. It turns what we have into enough, and more. It turns denial into acceptance, chaos into order, confusion into clarity. It turns problems into gifts, failures into success, the unexpected into perfect timing, and mistakes into important events. Gratitude makes sense of our past, brings peace for today and creates a vision for tomorrow."
So, here's to 6 years of marriage and to an eternity more.
Tuesday, April 30, 2013
Spring
We love the warm weather we got this past weekend. Unfortunately, David got sick Sunday so we didn't get enjoy it like we would have liked. However, we did make a discovery that has been exciting. Once again, we have baby rabbits!
We have at least 2 of them, but I think that there are 3. Having rabbits around will make gardening difficult but they sure are cute. Also, David loves watching them. As long as he can see them, he will stand there and watch while saying, "Baby rabbits." Free entertainment is a grand thing.
I was able to get some pictures of the baby rabbits so enjoy!
We have at least 2 of them, but I think that there are 3. Having rabbits around will make gardening difficult but they sure are cute. Also, David loves watching them. As long as he can see them, he will stand there and watch while saying, "Baby rabbits." Free entertainment is a grand thing.
I was able to get some pictures of the baby rabbits so enjoy!
Monday, April 22, 2013
Ne! (As David would say)
Neal was being so cute the other day that I had to snap pictures of him! I love this little guy. He's so smiley and happy most of the time that you can't help but love him. He just started scooting and pulling himself up standing. He likes standing better. He loves to talk and make big sounds. He loves his big brother, who loves him right back, and I love watching them play together or separately. It's particularly funny when they squawk at each other, taking turns making whatever sound. They find it hilarious and so do we.
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| He loves to stick out his tongue and flip it upside down. Glad I caught it on film! |
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| Happy dude |
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| Seriously, he sticks out his tongue all the time. |
Wednesday, March 27, 2013
Buttons buttons
David loves buttons. He always points out the buttons and snaps on everyone's clothes. He has some pajama shirts that have some big buttons on them and he has been undoing them for a while. There were a couple mornings that we walked in to find a bare bellied boy.
I showed him how to do the buttons a few times and then last week, he decided to give it a try. David refused help and sat for probably 5 minutes working out the buttons. After a minute and several tries, he got the first one. The second one was easier but still took a few tries. The third took a few more tries because it was higher up, but the last one, he got the first try! All the help he required was pointing out which button went with which hole. He did the rest all on his own!
Since then, he's done his buttons a few more times. He can almost get the smaller buttons on his button-up Sunday shirt, but not quite yet.
I don't have a picture of him doing it. A video would be better, but we don't have a digital video camera, and my camera doesn't do videos. It sounds like we could get the video from our regular video camera on the computer, but we haven't figured out how to do that yet. Soooo no video....and no picture. Maybe later.
I showed him how to do the buttons a few times and then last week, he decided to give it a try. David refused help and sat for probably 5 minutes working out the buttons. After a minute and several tries, he got the first one. The second one was easier but still took a few tries. The third took a few more tries because it was higher up, but the last one, he got the first try! All the help he required was pointing out which button went with which hole. He did the rest all on his own!
Since then, he's done his buttons a few more times. He can almost get the smaller buttons on his button-up Sunday shirt, but not quite yet.
I don't have a picture of him doing it. A video would be better, but we don't have a digital video camera, and my camera doesn't do videos. It sounds like we could get the video from our regular video camera on the computer, but we haven't figured out how to do that yet. Soooo no video....and no picture. Maybe later.
Monday, March 25, 2013
Pizza
We like pizza in our house. 99% of the time when Ashton asks me what sounds good, my answer is "pizza." Even David likes pizza. Usually he just eats the toppings, but hey whatever works.
A couple of months ago, I made a goal to try a new recipe once a week. It hasn't been a perfectly kept goal, mostly it's once every other week that I try a new recipe, but it's been fun. We've found lots of new things that we like. By "we" I mean Ashton and I because David has this thing about mixed foods right now, and most of the recipes I've tried have had foods touching each other.
David's fun comes in looking for a new recipe. He loves getting out my many recipe books and looking through them with me. For days afterward, he'll just go pull book after book and sit with them.
So, back to pizza. One of the new recipes we've tried is stuffed pizza rolls. You can find the recipe here: http://www.ourbestbites.com/2009/06/stuffed-pizza-rolls/. We make the dough and marinara that's referenced there. It takes a bit of work, but it's so good! Even David likes them. Oh, and here's a tip to make things easier on you. Do NOT use shredded mozzarella cheese. Buy a block of cheese and cut it into squares. Using shredded cheese, while it ultimately works when it's melted, makes wrapping and sealing the dough around the toppings difficult. Learn from our mistake!
A couple of months ago, I made a goal to try a new recipe once a week. It hasn't been a perfectly kept goal, mostly it's once every other week that I try a new recipe, but it's been fun. We've found lots of new things that we like. By "we" I mean Ashton and I because David has this thing about mixed foods right now, and most of the recipes I've tried have had foods touching each other.
David's fun comes in looking for a new recipe. He loves getting out my many recipe books and looking through them with me. For days afterward, he'll just go pull book after book and sit with them.
So, back to pizza. One of the new recipes we've tried is stuffed pizza rolls. You can find the recipe here: http://www.ourbestbites.com/2009/06/stuffed-pizza-rolls/. We make the dough and marinara that's referenced there. It takes a bit of work, but it's so good! Even David likes them. Oh, and here's a tip to make things easier on you. Do NOT use shredded mozzarella cheese. Buy a block of cheese and cut it into squares. Using shredded cheese, while it ultimately works when it's melted, makes wrapping and sealing the dough around the toppings difficult. Learn from our mistake!
Tuesday, March 19, 2013
Ready Or Not, Here He Comes
Neal has started rolling around the floor. He enjoys being able to reach things that otherwise would be safe from him. Mostly, he enjoys getting David's toys, particularly puzzle pieces and cards. The things that are forbidden and, therefore, the most fun.
It's taken David a little while to figure out how to deal with Neal's mobility. The first day, I pointed out to David that Neal was getting his cards. So, David grabbed hold of Neal's shirt and rolled him back over away from the cards. Immediately, Neal rolled back toward the cards. Once again, David rolled Neal away just to have Neal roll back to the cards. This continued until I successfully implemented the idea of moving the cards or putting the cards away.
I don't know what David is going to do when Neal starts crawling, but David better get ready because Neal's coming!
It's taken David a little while to figure out how to deal with Neal's mobility. The first day, I pointed out to David that Neal was getting his cards. So, David grabbed hold of Neal's shirt and rolled him back over away from the cards. Immediately, Neal rolled back toward the cards. Once again, David rolled Neal away just to have Neal roll back to the cards. This continued until I successfully implemented the idea of moving the cards or putting the cards away.
I don't know what David is going to do when Neal starts crawling, but David better get ready because Neal's coming!
Friday, March 15, 2013
Food
At breakfast this morning, David dropped a cheerio. A single cheerio. He jumped off his chair, or rather my lap because it's been a needy morning, to fetch the cheerio. He heard Dusty coming which was enough to send him into a panic as he searched frantically for the cheerio. He couldn't see it immediately and started screaming as he ran at Dusty in an attempt to make her stop before she got his cheerio. Mostly he just stood there screaming. I made Dusty stop, she looked confused since she didn't know he had dropped anything, and pointed out the cheerio to David. He picked up the cheerio and was happier.
I think David likes his food.
I think David likes his food.
Monday, March 4, 2013
My boys
My favorite part about being a mom is getting to play with these cuties:
I can't believe I have 2 kids and that they are 2 years and 6 months old now. They drive me crazy sometimes, but more often, they make me laugh. I love hearing them "talk" to each other during lunch. I love hearing them laugh together. I even love when they cry together, especially when David's done something to make Neal sad and then David starts crying as well. To me, it shows me how much they love each other and care about what's happening to the other one.
They are curious boys and full of energy. We've started doing "wiggle" songs before scriptures and prayer to help David be able to sit still. Wiggle songs are usually Primary songs that are full of movement. Neal loves "Popcorn Popping" and David loves "My Hands."
Speaking of full of energy, my two year old needs a better direction for his energy rather than pulling everything off the shelves.
I can't believe I have 2 kids and that they are 2 years and 6 months old now. They drive me crazy sometimes, but more often, they make me laugh. I love hearing them "talk" to each other during lunch. I love hearing them laugh together. I even love when they cry together, especially when David's done something to make Neal sad and then David starts crying as well. To me, it shows me how much they love each other and care about what's happening to the other one.
They are curious boys and full of energy. We've started doing "wiggle" songs before scriptures and prayer to help David be able to sit still. Wiggle songs are usually Primary songs that are full of movement. Neal loves "Popcorn Popping" and David loves "My Hands."
Speaking of full of energy, my two year old needs a better direction for his energy rather than pulling everything off the shelves.
Tuesday, January 1, 2013
Pictures of Crafts
As I mentioned in my last post, for Christmas, I made some rattles for Neal. It's so hard to find soft rattles and I decided that I was going to try my hand at making some. Here is rattle number 1:
I would do it a little differently next time to get a perfect sphere, but I'm happy with the results of this one.
Here is rattle number 2:
I would do it a little differently next time to get a perfect sphere, but I'm happy with the results of this one.
Here is rattle number 2:
I used a pattern found here http://www.lovelylittlelife.org/2012/06/stripey-owl-baby-rattle/ . I did make a few changes. More that I didn't follow the pattern for the eyes, beak, and wings. I'm happy with how it turned out.
Friday, November 30, 2012
Crafts
This year, I decided to get all crafty and crochet hats for a bunch of people that wanted one. I spent hours online looking at patterns that I liked and I've made a grand total of 14 hats. I'll probably make a few more to cover Neal's ever growing head and I still need to make a warmer hat for myself. I used a variety of patterns and one hat I made up on my own because I'm too cheap to buy patterns.
Then I was lamenting the fact that I don't have any soft rattles for Neal because they are impossible to find. So, I thought of this rattle we used to have growing up and realized that I could crochet my own! So I did, after some trial and error. It's not perfect, but it looks a whole lot better than my first attempts that I never finished because I didn't like the looks of them. I did find a pattern for an owl rattle that I absolutely love and I do plan on making. First, however, I have a different sort of craft to finish.
Last year, I decided that I was going to sew Christmas stockings for our little family. I figured it wouldn't take too long and I bought a bunch of fabric to that end. Yeah. I only made one that year. It took way longer than I thought it would and now I wish I had just bought stockings. However, I have the fabric and I have enlisted Ashton's help so they will hopefully be done this year. Turns out, I'm not a huge fan of all the things that go into sewing something. You can't just sit down with fabric and sew. Nope. You have to cut out the fabric into the desired shape, pin the pieces together, figure out what needs to be sewed first, then you can sit down and sew something. I like to just be able to pick out yarn and sit down with it to create whatever I want. I have decided to put crocheting on hold though until I finish the stockings. That should be motivation enough right?
I also love the fact that with crocheting, I can pick it up or put it down whenever I need to and it's not really a big deal. I also love that I can look up tutorials online. Seriously, there are so many videos and tutorials online that if you want to learn how to crochet, you can do it easily. It also keeps David entertained because he loves to play with my crochet hooks. Taking them out of the case and putting them back in the slots. No need for toys this year I guess.
I have new ideas for things I want to create and I'm so excited to get back to crocheting so I can put my ideas to the test. Just need to finish those stockings!
Then I was lamenting the fact that I don't have any soft rattles for Neal because they are impossible to find. So, I thought of this rattle we used to have growing up and realized that I could crochet my own! So I did, after some trial and error. It's not perfect, but it looks a whole lot better than my first attempts that I never finished because I didn't like the looks of them. I did find a pattern for an owl rattle that I absolutely love and I do plan on making. First, however, I have a different sort of craft to finish.
Last year, I decided that I was going to sew Christmas stockings for our little family. I figured it wouldn't take too long and I bought a bunch of fabric to that end. Yeah. I only made one that year. It took way longer than I thought it would and now I wish I had just bought stockings. However, I have the fabric and I have enlisted Ashton's help so they will hopefully be done this year. Turns out, I'm not a huge fan of all the things that go into sewing something. You can't just sit down with fabric and sew. Nope. You have to cut out the fabric into the desired shape, pin the pieces together, figure out what needs to be sewed first, then you can sit down and sew something. I like to just be able to pick out yarn and sit down with it to create whatever I want. I have decided to put crocheting on hold though until I finish the stockings. That should be motivation enough right?
I also love the fact that with crocheting, I can pick it up or put it down whenever I need to and it's not really a big deal. I also love that I can look up tutorials online. Seriously, there are so many videos and tutorials online that if you want to learn how to crochet, you can do it easily. It also keeps David entertained because he loves to play with my crochet hooks. Taking them out of the case and putting them back in the slots. No need for toys this year I guess.
I have new ideas for things I want to create and I'm so excited to get back to crocheting so I can put my ideas to the test. Just need to finish those stockings!
Tuesday, November 6, 2012
Neal
I know I haven't posted many pictures of Neal. There are two reasons for that. One, it's hard to get pictures without big brother in them (not that it's bad to have pictures of the two of them), and two, I don't usually put pictures from my camera on the computer until the end of the month and then Neal has changed so much that I need new pictures. It becomes a vicious cycle. However, I took some pictures a couple of days ago and put them on the computer yesterday morning. Then the internet decided not to cooperate with me yesterday, so you get them today!
Neal is such a happy boy. He's already smiling and laughing at us. It's such a blessing to have him smile at us when we go to get him up from a nap. He's been trying to hold up his head from day one and he's had it pretty much mastered for a while now. His strength impresses us. We're all pretty smitten with this little guy.
Neal is such a happy boy. He's already smiling and laughing at us. It's such a blessing to have him smile at us when we go to get him up from a nap. He's been trying to hold up his head from day one and he's had it pretty much mastered for a while now. His strength impresses us. We're all pretty smitten with this little guy.
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| Look who's a big boy and holding up that noggin |
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| Such a classic Neal look. The boy loves furrowing his brow. |
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| Love the smile |
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| Nothing like a sleeping baby |
Friday, November 2, 2012
Living the Dream
From the time I was little, I wanted to be a stay at home mom. It's the only thing I wanted to do. It's the name I wanted to make for myself and now it's the name that I have. I will always have the name of mom and I feel blessed to have it. Besides my husband, my kids are the most important things in my life.
Although I love being a mom, it's not all sunshine and lollipops. There are those moments when your kids are well behaved or doing something that you've been trying to teach them. You get insanely proud of little accomplishments. There are those seemingly perfect moments where all is right. However, being a mom isn't glamorous. At the end of the day, I'm usually covered in spit up, drool, and snot. Sometimes I get peed and pooped on. Getting a shower in at some point during the week is a highlight. Getting to use the bathroom on my own, if at all, is a miracle. I sing songs and babble like an idiot to keep my kids happy.
I don't have any personal space anymore. If I am sitting, I'm not alone, unless it's nap or bedtime. I sat today and read the same book to my 20 month old at least 5 times in a row because he wanted to. Yeah, I got tired of reading that particular book, but he loved it and that's all that mattered to me. I sit and feed my almost 3 month old every 1-2 hours. I usually sit on the floor, hold the baby, and play with the toddler all at the same time. There have been times that I'm holding both kids in my lap, reading a book or sometimes even feeding one and holding the other. If I dare to try to have alone time, like sitting and typing this, it means that either the kids are asleep or I'm ignoring the destruction going on (like David making a mess with his lunch right now).
I am grateful for a husband who sees it as his responsibility to provide for me and the kids, which allows me to stay at home. I could go out into the world and work if I wanted to, but I wouldn't appreciate that job like I treasure the job I have now. The truth is that I do work. I work hard. I just don't get paid in dollars for it. I get paid instead by having healthy happy kids who give me kisses, laughs, snuggles, and smiles. Some days, there aren't many smiles to go around for whatever reason.
For me, it's worth all the tears. It's worth all the frustration; it's worth all the sleeplessness. It's worth all the screams, poop, and snot. It's worth every last second because I'm doing the work that matters the most to me. I am living my dream.
Although I love being a mom, it's not all sunshine and lollipops. There are those moments when your kids are well behaved or doing something that you've been trying to teach them. You get insanely proud of little accomplishments. There are those seemingly perfect moments where all is right. However, being a mom isn't glamorous. At the end of the day, I'm usually covered in spit up, drool, and snot. Sometimes I get peed and pooped on. Getting a shower in at some point during the week is a highlight. Getting to use the bathroom on my own, if at all, is a miracle. I sing songs and babble like an idiot to keep my kids happy.
I don't have any personal space anymore. If I am sitting, I'm not alone, unless it's nap or bedtime. I sat today and read the same book to my 20 month old at least 5 times in a row because he wanted to. Yeah, I got tired of reading that particular book, but he loved it and that's all that mattered to me. I sit and feed my almost 3 month old every 1-2 hours. I usually sit on the floor, hold the baby, and play with the toddler all at the same time. There have been times that I'm holding both kids in my lap, reading a book or sometimes even feeding one and holding the other. If I dare to try to have alone time, like sitting and typing this, it means that either the kids are asleep or I'm ignoring the destruction going on (like David making a mess with his lunch right now).
I am grateful for a husband who sees it as his responsibility to provide for me and the kids, which allows me to stay at home. I could go out into the world and work if I wanted to, but I wouldn't appreciate that job like I treasure the job I have now. The truth is that I do work. I work hard. I just don't get paid in dollars for it. I get paid instead by having healthy happy kids who give me kisses, laughs, snuggles, and smiles. Some days, there aren't many smiles to go around for whatever reason.
For me, it's worth all the tears. It's worth all the frustration; it's worth all the sleeplessness. It's worth all the screams, poop, and snot. It's worth every last second because I'm doing the work that matters the most to me. I am living my dream.
Monday, September 17, 2012
Glad That Is Over!
It's been a crazy stressful week here. Neal and I had to spend almost an entire week in the hospital because Neal had a fever.
His fever started Friday (7 Sept) night so we took him into the ER. Since he's so young, they ran tests, urine, blood, and a spinal tap, on him and admitted him. It's a minimum of 48 hours usually to see what all of the tests/cultures were doing to make sure Neal didn't have some serious problem. It was so hard to watch them poke him for the tests. I was a mess and wanted nothing more to make them stop hurting my baby. It took a lot of willpower to just sit there and let them do their job. By the time everything was done and we got a room, it was 2 in the morning. Ashton went home to be there for when David woke up (my mom was visiting us at the time, which made everything easier in regards to leaving David). It was a long weekend of vital signs and updates for Neal and I, and going back and forth for Ashton and David. Neal still had a fever off and on, but it was low grade (in the low 100's and 101 at most).
We were hopeful about going home Monday, but the doctor wanted to see this particular test numbers going down and since it wasn't, we had to stay another day. In the meantime, Neal started getting higher fevers. Tuesday, he had 3 high fevers, the highest being 103. The 103 temperature was scary. I was woken up by what I thought was just a hungry baby, which he was, and when I touched him, he was burning hot. I had to call the nurse in to take his temperature and was actually surprised it wasn't higher. The high fever meant another 24 hours in the hospital since they wouldn't let us go home without being fever free for 24 hours. It also meant more tests.
Wednesday was a little better after another scare. The doctor (we saw three different doctors during our stay), decided to stop the antibiotics that they had been giving him since we got to the hospital as a preventive in case he did have a serious virus or bacteria. They thought that maybe the recent fevers were a reaction to those antibiotics. While I was talking to the doctor, Neal was asleep on the hospital bed. After the doctor left, I went to get Neal up. Neal wasn't happy about being disturbed, but otherwise fine. The nurse came in and when I looked back to Neal, seriously a second later, I noticed Neal's eye was swollen closed. A bit freaked out, I showed the nurse and she left to call the doctor. I also noticed that his head was a little misshapen. The nurse came back saying that the doctor was on her way, but had told the nurse to take out the IV. The doctor returned to look at it and reassured me that it was just the IV fluid that had leaked and that it would go away, and my baby would return to normal (I should mention that they had put the IV in Neal's head). Now, the nurses were vigilant about checking his IV for swelling and there was nothing. It happened very fast. After the initial scare, all I could do was shake my head and chuckle. I told Neal that he wasn't allowed to scare me this badly again until he was at least 5 years old. We'll see if he listens.
Neal's temperature returned to normal after this with only one little tiny blip of 100.6. Regardless, the next day, they let us go home and I was very relieved. Like I said, it was one very stressful week. Ashton came to visit us every night during the week, and my mom brought David over in the mornings to see us. It was good to be able to see Ashton and David during this time, but it was much better to be home.
His fever started Friday (7 Sept) night so we took him into the ER. Since he's so young, they ran tests, urine, blood, and a spinal tap, on him and admitted him. It's a minimum of 48 hours usually to see what all of the tests/cultures were doing to make sure Neal didn't have some serious problem. It was so hard to watch them poke him for the tests. I was a mess and wanted nothing more to make them stop hurting my baby. It took a lot of willpower to just sit there and let them do their job. By the time everything was done and we got a room, it was 2 in the morning. Ashton went home to be there for when David woke up (my mom was visiting us at the time, which made everything easier in regards to leaving David). It was a long weekend of vital signs and updates for Neal and I, and going back and forth for Ashton and David. Neal still had a fever off and on, but it was low grade (in the low 100's and 101 at most).
We were hopeful about going home Monday, but the doctor wanted to see this particular test numbers going down and since it wasn't, we had to stay another day. In the meantime, Neal started getting higher fevers. Tuesday, he had 3 high fevers, the highest being 103. The 103 temperature was scary. I was woken up by what I thought was just a hungry baby, which he was, and when I touched him, he was burning hot. I had to call the nurse in to take his temperature and was actually surprised it wasn't higher. The high fever meant another 24 hours in the hospital since they wouldn't let us go home without being fever free for 24 hours. It also meant more tests.
Wednesday was a little better after another scare. The doctor (we saw three different doctors during our stay), decided to stop the antibiotics that they had been giving him since we got to the hospital as a preventive in case he did have a serious virus or bacteria. They thought that maybe the recent fevers were a reaction to those antibiotics. While I was talking to the doctor, Neal was asleep on the hospital bed. After the doctor left, I went to get Neal up. Neal wasn't happy about being disturbed, but otherwise fine. The nurse came in and when I looked back to Neal, seriously a second later, I noticed Neal's eye was swollen closed. A bit freaked out, I showed the nurse and she left to call the doctor. I also noticed that his head was a little misshapen. The nurse came back saying that the doctor was on her way, but had told the nurse to take out the IV. The doctor returned to look at it and reassured me that it was just the IV fluid that had leaked and that it would go away, and my baby would return to normal (I should mention that they had put the IV in Neal's head). Now, the nurses were vigilant about checking his IV for swelling and there was nothing. It happened very fast. After the initial scare, all I could do was shake my head and chuckle. I told Neal that he wasn't allowed to scare me this badly again until he was at least 5 years old. We'll see if he listens.
Neal's temperature returned to normal after this with only one little tiny blip of 100.6. Regardless, the next day, they let us go home and I was very relieved. Like I said, it was one very stressful week. Ashton came to visit us every night during the week, and my mom brought David over in the mornings to see us. It was good to be able to see Ashton and David during this time, but it was much better to be home.
Monday, May 21, 2012
New Bed
This weekend, we decided to put David in a regular twin bed instead of his pack and play. He could have stayed in his pack and play for a while longer, but I wanted to get him out of there before he learned to climb out and so that it wouldn't be a big deal for us to use the pack and play for the new baby come August. It turns out, that the change was the right one at the right time.
He loved his new bed from the start. We set it up after his bath for bedtime (we just put the mattress on the floor). He pretty much wore himself out climbing all over it while we read scriptures. When we told him it was time for bed, he climbed right in and let us tuck him in. He laid there as we left, although, a few minutes later he was crying at the door. The crying only lasted 5 or so minutes though, which was amazing! I was expecting screaming for at least half an hour. When we went in to check on him later, we had to chuckle when we found him lying on his back in the middle of his room. I also have to say, when I went in to get him up the next morning, he was just sitting on his bed, cuddling with his blanket. So cute!
Yesterday, we got to try out the new bed for nap time. I've been expecting this to be the most difficult part of the transition, but it went really well. There was no screaming or crying. There wasn't even any hints that he was running around his room.
Morning nap today is less than successful in that so far, he's not sleeping, but he's at least happy.
I have to say, I feel so happy and blessed that this transition is going remarkably well so far. That's not to say that I think that it's always going to be this easy. I still expect him to go crying to the door after we put him in bed, but I'm always glad when he doesn't.
He loved his new bed from the start. We set it up after his bath for bedtime (we just put the mattress on the floor). He pretty much wore himself out climbing all over it while we read scriptures. When we told him it was time for bed, he climbed right in and let us tuck him in. He laid there as we left, although, a few minutes later he was crying at the door. The crying only lasted 5 or so minutes though, which was amazing! I was expecting screaming for at least half an hour. When we went in to check on him later, we had to chuckle when we found him lying on his back in the middle of his room. I also have to say, when I went in to get him up the next morning, he was just sitting on his bed, cuddling with his blanket. So cute!
Yesterday, we got to try out the new bed for nap time. I've been expecting this to be the most difficult part of the transition, but it went really well. There was no screaming or crying. There wasn't even any hints that he was running around his room.
Morning nap today is less than successful in that so far, he's not sleeping, but he's at least happy.
I have to say, I feel so happy and blessed that this transition is going remarkably well so far. That's not to say that I think that it's always going to be this easy. I still expect him to go crying to the door after we put him in bed, but I'm always glad when he doesn't.
Friday, May 18, 2012
Hair Cuts
David's hair has been getting a bit mullet-ish the past few months. I know I should really give him a hair cut, or a trim at the very least, but I've been resisting for two reasons. One, I don't know how I'd get this wiggly boy to sit still long enough to do anything to his hair, let alone how I'd get him to not want to play with the scissors or clippers, and two, I don't want to take that step into him actually being a little boy instead of my baby. Yes, I know I have another baby on the way and with David being 15 months old now, he's not really my baby anymore. I realize that more and more every day. There's still something so comforting about his fuzzy hair that sticks up everywhere in little tufts, even if it's getting too long in the back and has had the ability to cover his ears for a while now.
Still, Ashton teases me every day about his hair and whether I've decided to cut it yet or not. I almost start crying every time (I am pregnant after all) and/or give Ashton a scowling look for bringing it up again. I did look up how to cut boy's hair yesterday. Maybe I should tell Ashton I'll cut David's hair when Ashton lets me cut his precious hair.
I'd write more on this, but I have a little boy who sounds like he's enjoying playing with his food a little too much. Guess I should pay attention to him.
Still, Ashton teases me every day about his hair and whether I've decided to cut it yet or not. I almost start crying every time (I am pregnant after all) and/or give Ashton a scowling look for bringing it up again. I did look up how to cut boy's hair yesterday. Maybe I should tell Ashton I'll cut David's hair when Ashton lets me cut his precious hair.
I'd write more on this, but I have a little boy who sounds like he's enjoying playing with his food a little too much. Guess I should pay attention to him.
Friday, April 27, 2012
Adjustments
For those of you who haven't heard, we're having a boy! Since discovering that we're having another boy, I've been trying to get used to the idea of two boys running around. I admit, I get a bit freaked out at the idea. Thankfully, I've got some time before this one comes out let alone starts running. I've also been adjusting to the incoming thoughts of how I'm going to manage things with two kids.
For instance, how am I going to shower in the morning with two kids, especially since I'm sure David won't be taking a morning nap by the time this one comes out? I guess the easy answer is I won't be, but there's got to be a way, right?
How am I going to get two kids out of the car without one of them getting run over? I have gotten two kids out of the car before without incident, but they were older, not 18 months apart with one being a newborn. I do have an idea of how this is going to work, but I panicked for a few minutes when the idea first popped into my head.
How am I going to get dinner ready with two kids? It was next to impossible when David was a newborn, but maybe this one will be more willing to lay in a sling or otherwise not be held while I get dinner ready. Provided that I can keep big brother from messing with his new buddy/plaything/arch-nemesis for mommy's attention.
I keep reminding myself that David will be older by the time this baby comes out, thank goodness! I'm excited to be adding to our family; I just realize that it's not going to be a piece of cake and that it'll take a lot of shifting how and when I do things.
For instance, how am I going to shower in the morning with two kids, especially since I'm sure David won't be taking a morning nap by the time this one comes out? I guess the easy answer is I won't be, but there's got to be a way, right?
How am I going to get two kids out of the car without one of them getting run over? I have gotten two kids out of the car before without incident, but they were older, not 18 months apart with one being a newborn. I do have an idea of how this is going to work, but I panicked for a few minutes when the idea first popped into my head.
How am I going to get dinner ready with two kids? It was next to impossible when David was a newborn, but maybe this one will be more willing to lay in a sling or otherwise not be held while I get dinner ready. Provided that I can keep big brother from messing with his new buddy/plaything/arch-nemesis for mommy's attention.
I keep reminding myself that David will be older by the time this baby comes out, thank goodness! I'm excited to be adding to our family; I just realize that it's not going to be a piece of cake and that it'll take a lot of shifting how and when I do things.
Thursday, March 29, 2012
We're Only Mildly Crazy
I realized today that the number of posts that I've published has gone down over the years. Oops. So here is my attempt to write more often.
Things have been mildly crazy around here. David seems to be gearing up (or down depending on how you want to look at it) to do away with his morning nap. I'm still clinging to it, but the other day as well as today he took a horrible afternoon nap even after only sleeping an hour in the morning. By "horrible" I mean he stayed awake at least for an hour after I put him down and then only slept an hour tops after finally falling asleep. On other days, like yesterday, he'll go down for a morning nap, sleep an hour, and then proceed to sleep for almost 2 hours in the afternoon. Consistent he is not.
This evening, David learned, hopefully, why it's not a smart idea to run around with a blanket on your head. It's something that he likes to do sometimes instead of pulling the blanket off his head, and until today, we've been able to keep him from injuring himself. This evening, however, while I was trying to get the blanket off his head and Ashton was trying to hold him, he fell face first into the rocking chair and crunched his nose. It already looks bruised, but I'm pretty sure that it's not damaged in any way. I had a little bit of a scare when following this incident I asked Ashton how you could tell if a nose is broken and Ashton said, "It bleeds." Then a second later, "Oh hey. It is bleeding." Yes, it was, but only a teeny tiny bit and David definitely didn't seem to care too much that I was touching his nose or wiping it. He only cared that I took his pacifier away to do so.
Next week, we get to find out whether we're having a boy or a girl. So place your bets now! We're excited to see this baby.
Things have been mildly crazy around here. David seems to be gearing up (or down depending on how you want to look at it) to do away with his morning nap. I'm still clinging to it, but the other day as well as today he took a horrible afternoon nap even after only sleeping an hour in the morning. By "horrible" I mean he stayed awake at least for an hour after I put him down and then only slept an hour tops after finally falling asleep. On other days, like yesterday, he'll go down for a morning nap, sleep an hour, and then proceed to sleep for almost 2 hours in the afternoon. Consistent he is not.
This evening, David learned, hopefully, why it's not a smart idea to run around with a blanket on your head. It's something that he likes to do sometimes instead of pulling the blanket off his head, and until today, we've been able to keep him from injuring himself. This evening, however, while I was trying to get the blanket off his head and Ashton was trying to hold him, he fell face first into the rocking chair and crunched his nose. It already looks bruised, but I'm pretty sure that it's not damaged in any way. I had a little bit of a scare when following this incident I asked Ashton how you could tell if a nose is broken and Ashton said, "It bleeds." Then a second later, "Oh hey. It is bleeding." Yes, it was, but only a teeny tiny bit and David definitely didn't seem to care too much that I was touching his nose or wiping it. He only cared that I took his pacifier away to do so.
Next week, we get to find out whether we're having a boy or a girl. So place your bets now! We're excited to see this baby.
Monday, February 27, 2012
One Year Old
My baby is a whopping one year old! ...and a week since I'm a little late getting to this post. I can't believe that David has been with us for a year. We love our little boy.
David has learned how to walk and stand up all on his own. He enjoys his new found freedom even though he still thinks I should walk around with him and sit on the floor to play with him. It's funny to watch him just walk around on his own and see where he thinks it's worthwhile going. If the dog is around, that's where he goes. Yesterday he enjoyed chasing the dog around trying to pet her. (We've been trying to teach him to be gentle with the dog, not pet her face, and not share his toys with her. It's a work in progress.)
He climbs the stairs on his own now and has only taken a tumble once. The tumble was due to standing up and looking around while on the stairs. Hopefully, it was a worthwhile learning experience. Going downstairs safely is something that we're working on. It'd help if he stopped trying to climb up the stairs when we're trying to get him to go down.
David is 18 lbs 7 oz and 27 7/8 inches long. Everyone comments on how small he is, which is funny because I never think of him as being small until I see him next to someone around the same age.
We got to have a birthday party the next day with some family that were nice enough to come. He was a little overwhelmed at first by all the people at his house and playing with his toys, he had just gotten up from a nap, but he got used to it after a while and had fun. David got his own cupcake to eat and after he got past the frosting, he chowed down on the cake part.
David has learned how to walk and stand up all on his own. He enjoys his new found freedom even though he still thinks I should walk around with him and sit on the floor to play with him. It's funny to watch him just walk around on his own and see where he thinks it's worthwhile going. If the dog is around, that's where he goes. Yesterday he enjoyed chasing the dog around trying to pet her. (We've been trying to teach him to be gentle with the dog, not pet her face, and not share his toys with her. It's a work in progress.)
He climbs the stairs on his own now and has only taken a tumble once. The tumble was due to standing up and looking around while on the stairs. Hopefully, it was a worthwhile learning experience. Going downstairs safely is something that we're working on. It'd help if he stopped trying to climb up the stairs when we're trying to get him to go down.
David is 18 lbs 7 oz and 27 7/8 inches long. Everyone comments on how small he is, which is funny because I never think of him as being small until I see him next to someone around the same age.
We got to have a birthday party the next day with some family that were nice enough to come. He was a little overwhelmed at first by all the people at his house and playing with his toys, he had just gotten up from a nap, but he got used to it after a while and had fun. David got his own cupcake to eat and after he got past the frosting, he chowed down on the cake part.
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| The birthday boy on his birthday! |
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| Big dude standing and walking |
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| I'm so proud of how these turned out |
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| Not quite sure what to think of the cupcake or all the people staring at him with cameras |
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| Finally taking a bite |
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| We don't believe in small bites |
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| David has been trying to sit under the coffee table for a while so he was happy when he discovered he could sit under our side table |
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